Why Robin Van Persie Is Dead to Me

The blog title could have actually read:

1. 10 Reasons why Robin Van Persie is a Muppet.
2. 100 Reasons why footballers should never EVER kiss the badge.
3. 5,000 Reasons why if Karma exists his knees WILL break down by November.

And a plethora of other cynical – thinly veiled Blog titles that would serve to attack his character.

This week the CAPTAIN of Arsenal FC made the move up North to Manchester.

If you’re a female (sorry for the stereotype) or not interested in football (I may join you soon), you probably don’t care.

But you should still read on. Because, the following 3 reasons are more than just a vented annoyance to the most one footed, always injured, scores 1 goal for every 5 chances, hasn’t scored a free kick in 6 years footballers on the planet.

No. This is much bigger than this. This is a tale of integrity, loyalty and humility.

So here it is – why RVP is dead to me.

1. The above caption picture is everything that’s wrong with this situation. I didn’t even care that much – UNTIL, I saw this picture. I was left totally disgusted.

He could have at least just sat there with a straight face or something. I mean – look how much teeth he’s showing in this picture! He has NO shame!

Lesson – One day, they’re smiling with you. The next day (and £200K a week later) they’re smiling with your worst enemy. Be careful who you make a captain in your life. One of your “loyal friends” could be a Van Persie lurking in the shadows.

2. Arsenal stuck by this injury prone one footed striker for 6 years straight. He averaged about 21 league appearances about half a season each year. He gets ONE good year and then goes! He better have left a cheque for all the medical expenses he’s incurred over the years. Flaming cheek! He didn’t even bother to publicly thank the medical staff or anything when he left.

Lesson – You’re going to invest a lot into someone or something, and one day they just might decide they aren’t interested anymore… Yes – You bought her that expensive Chanel perfume. Yes – She’s left you for someone with a better hairline and bigger chest. No – You cannot go to her house, demand the bottle back and proceed to ‘snatch’ the smell of the perfume off her. It’s a sunk cost. Accept it.

3. When Van Persie was asked during his signing on press conference how he made tough decisions, he responded with this ludicrous statement:

“By listening to the little boy inside me, and that little boy was screaming Manchester United”.

What. He’s having a laugh right?

The same little boy that supported Arsenal as a child growing up?

It must have been a different little boy that possessed the big boy Van Persie.

Can you imagine the conversation Van Persie was having with himself:

RVP Little Boy 1: I love Arsenal. I’ve supported them through the good times and the bad times, ever since I was a little boy growing up in my native Holland. Go Gunners!

RVP Big Boy: What should I do though? It seems like Arsene Wenger won’t spend money and make this team I love great. I’ve complained and complained even had meetings with him, and he’s only gone out and bought German International Lukas Podolski, French International Olivier Giroud and Spanish International Santi Cazorla. It’s not good enough…

RVP Little Boy 2 walks into the room, shoots RVP Little Boy 1 dead, puts on his clothes and pretends to be him.

RVP Little Boy 2 (pretending to be RVP Little Boy 1) – You know what Robin, forget them! You should just move to Manchester Utd.

RVP Big Boy – That’s different to what you were just saying Little RVP… but you know what, I always listen to you. Let’s do this!

RVP Little Boy 2 – (To himself) Hehe! Gotcha Sucker!

Lesson – When you need to make decisions don’t go talking to little boys like Robin did. Go and speak to some real men with real wisdom and experience – otherwise you’ll end up a Muppet just like Van Persie.

At this stage – I’m now bored of writing about Robin Van Persie. He’s old news. I hope he crashes and burns at Man United and I hope he brings an injury curse to their whole squad. So that they have to offer Eric Cantona a one year contract to come and play and bail them out – just like they did with that ginger midfielder.

Also at the point of writing this, Manchester Utd have lost to Everton. HAHA.

Until next time folks.

P.S This is a tad tongue in cheek. I understand his reasons for moving. Doesn’t change the fact that he’s a doughnut!

#pragma