Fear, Perfectionism. A Saturday Afternoon In My Kitchen.


I was thinking. Just considering. You know when you take a step back, and just look at yourself, trying as best as you possibly can, to do it wholeheartedly, without bias and the rose tints. Well, I was doing that. I wasn’t getting much back from it, no epiphany, no fantastic insight, no next great step.

So I just decided to have a cup of coffee. Black coffee.

I boiled the kettle, measured out 3 teaspoons of Nescafe, waited for the inevitable click and poured the water. I sipped once and just stood there. Peering, no, actually staring, I was staring at nothing. I sipped again, and again, and again.

For some strange reason, the next sips came with steps. I walked up the staircase and found myself in my home office. I sat down. Looking at the empty monitors. “Youtube.com” I thought. So, I typed it in. “Let’s find something interesting to watch”. Some recommendations popped up, a few documentaries, an Avengers Endgame, “Easter Eggs you missed” video. Naturally, with the mood I was in – reflective, meditative and ponderous I clicked the Avengers video.

30 seconds in. I turned it off. Went into my OneNote, and clicked into my writing notebook, and started looking at my writing drafts. I was surprised. Very surprised. Roughly 40 started but never “finished” pieces of writing. Varying from short fictional & non-fictional stories, longer extended essays, how-to’s and tips and tricks – you name it. They were there. Just sat there. Never “finished”.

I read a few. Hmm… Some were crap, some were good, they made me laugh, ponder and reflect. “Why did i never hit publish”, I wondered aloud. Perfectionist? Fearful? Wait, I retorted to myself. “Aren’t those two things just interchangeable?” Maybe they are for writing.

Then. All of a sudden, I moved into autopilot. WordPress.com, drafts – and I just started writing. I wrote this.

Then I told myself. Publish these drafts. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.